Dear friend,
Immediately the father of the child cried out with tears, “I believe. Help my unbelief!”
I've been sitting on how to start this one. So I'll just say it. There was a stretch, years back, where I sat in church and mouthed the words and meant maybe half of them. Nobody knew. I got good at the face that says I'm fine, I'm following along. Underneath it I kept thinking, what if none of this holds. I didn't say that out loud to a single person for a long time because I thought saying it would make it more true.
I keep thinking about how doubting shows up mid-sentence, mid-prayer, mid-ordinary-Tuesday, and how it doesn't announce itself politely. It just sits there while you're doing dishes.
Mark 9 has that father saying he believes and asking for help with the part of him that doesn't. I don't think that's a contradiction. I think that's just what a lot of us actually sound like, whether we admit it or not.
I'm not going to tell you what to do with what you're carrying right now. I mostly want to say it plainly, without dressing it up. What does the doubting actually sound like when it's loudest for you?
A prayer
God, You already know exactly where she's stuck tonight. She doesn't have to perform certainty for You. Meet her in the actual middle of it, not the tidied-up version. Amen.